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GASLAMP – Legendary U.K. dubstep producer Rusko played a free show at Red Circle Lounge last night to a full house.  Although the venue was at maximum capacity by 10 p.m., nearly half of the audience had to be evacuated on stretchers within an hour due to freak-out related injuries.  33 heads combusted when the bass dropped, and at least 21 spines were dislocated by enamored dancers who popped and dropped but forgot to lock.  Another 42 patrons incinerated altogether in Pabst-flavored explosions on the dancefloor.

“The personal explosions were probably painless if not orgiastic,” says blowthefuckuptologist Dr. Bernie M. Moobschlocker.  “My guess is they were instantly transported to 2012 on the backs of benevolent winged serpents.  That or an alternate reality where people have room-temperature Big Macs for pets instead of cats and dogs.  But probably 2012.”

Urban shaman Ned McDougal speculates that the combusted heads, too, have gone the way of Mayan prophesy.

“That killer sub-bass actually creates a rift in the space-time continuum,” says McDougal, who says he’s lucky to have escaped the spectacle unscathed.  “I suspect Mescalito held me in present time so that I might help guide the rest of the human race towards the singularity at the end of time as we know it.”

McDougal recommends potent psychedelics and ultra loud bass so that we all might get this bitch on the road and transcend the third density already.

BALBOA PARK – A man in his late 20’s was seen practicing Kung Fu beneath a cottonwood tree on the west side of Balboa Park around 2 p.m.  Witnesses said he really kicked ass, demonstrating intense self-control, bitchin’ Chinese fan tricks, and a deep kinetic yen of both poetry and subtle cosmic principles.

“Shit was like Bruce Lee and shit,” noted jogger Leon McKraddy, 33.

The Sunshine Ninja, as six-year-old Beth Sanderson called him, reportedly wore toe boots and a black t-shirt bearing the name of a metal band which nobody has ever heard of.

“It was totally awesome,” said transient Charles Kaye, 20.  “Here I was thinking cartwheels were the thing, but, I mean, cha!”

Kaye called the Sunshine Ninja an “obvious preverberation from the future” and “the man!  Not ‘The Man’, man, but, you know, the man!”

Around 2:51 p.m., the Sunshine Ninja was heard to mutter something about “those fucking pirates” before vanishing entirely in a puff of smoke.